Bill and Shari 2

Unbeknownst to the kids in the neighborhood, one of the moms used to tell Shari to watch out for Brenda. The other moms would tell her to lighten up saying that Bill would never do anything to hurt Shari, so why worry? Well, once this news broke, everyone was looking at that mom wondering how she could have seen what the rest of the neighborhood missed.

This whole situation was so devastating. Even though Shari, Ann and Dave were the biggest victims of the tragedy, everyone in the neighborhood felt cheated as well. We thought we knew Bill. Before this cheating scandal we all thought of him as a good family man, a hard worker and an extreme player. But now…the only label he carried in any of our minds was Adulterer.

It’s a weird thing, an affair. It seems like the cheater can only think about his or her self and they forget about everything and everyone else. And Bill’s deception hurt so many people.

Maybe he felt a bit bad that he was hurting Shari, but it seemed as though nobody else mattered except his feelings. Well, wake up Bill, your actions hurt so many people and you will never ever know the extent of it.

Shari and Sean’s spirits were crushed, Ann and Dave’s faith in their father destroyed, and everyone in the neighborhood was disgusted and stunned. It went on from there: Family members on both sides and friends from every angle heard about Bill’s “extracurricular activities”. The word spread and it spread fast. Bill was not looking good to anyone any more.

Shari and Bill tried counseling but after five years of infidelity, their marriage was doomed. Ultimately, Bill said that he would not give Brenda up, so a divorce was inevitable.

Bill moved out of the neighborhood and became an outcast. He lost everything: His wife, his friends, his house, his money and worst of all, the respect of his children. I did not blame Ann and Dave for their loss of respect. If my dad had treated my mom with such an uncaring heart, I wouldn’t think very much of him either.

I remember the hours my mom spent with Shari, trying desperately to help her through that horrible time in her life. The number of tears shed during those days were immeasurable. Even after Shari would leave our house or after my mom hung up the phone, the tears would continue streaming down her face.

Bill’s actions had infested our home as well. His shameless, selfish actions found a way to damage the usually upbeat spirit of my family. I was so angry at him and he didn’t even know it. For five years, he fooled us all. Five years is a long time to keep up a lie. He was a super creep in my eyes. A lying, cheating asshole. I trusted him and believed that his intentions about life and family were good. Now all I could do was grimace at the thought of him. And adding insult to injury, he was leaving his wife and kids for her! For Brenda.

I was a typical teenager who looked up to pretty, older girls and hoped to be like them someday. Brenda was not one of those girls. For starters, I never liked the way she dressed. Her clothes were often a size too small which was an extremely unflattering look. Her frame was relatively thin but it was as if she purposely chose clothes to emphasize her flaws. I remember this one-piece swimsuit she wore that went around her neck, over her breasts and met just below her bellybutton exposing most of her belly and the sides of her breasts. She looked flat-chested and boxy in that suit. It seemed as if she was trying to turn heads but yikes, try a different approach.

She tried too hard to be noticed, which was weird to me because she had a boyfriend and all the other guys in the group were married. She was obviously looking for approval and, obviously, Bill decided that he approved.

Her costumes did not make her very popular with the women in the neighborhood, either. They could see that she was trouble yet put up with her anyway. The ladies felt secure in their marriages so they all chose to just deal with her. After all, Bill and Sean were great friends and Brenda just came with the package.

Her personality was okay. She never had kids and did not seem to have an innate connection with our type. One summer, I remember her boyfriend and her making out on the dock in broad daylight while we were all on a camping trip. How inappropriate for a family weekend.

I guess what I am trying to say is really. Her? Sure she and Bill had boating and work in common, sure she presented herself in a trampy and well, easy manner, but Bill had a family. He had wonderful children, a wife and a home. And he gave it all up for some selfish hussy.

He became the biggest disappointment in my life at that time and I wasn’t even his kid! I don’t think people who cheat realize how much their actions affect every person that they know, be it immediate family or friends.

I will never forget how Bill’s actions destroyed part of my innocence. The reality of this world was thrown in my seventeen-year-old face. Watching my friends suffer because their dad was an idiot crushed me. I felt powerless. There was nothing I could say or do that would take away their pain. They deserved better. Somewhere in their dad’s selfish brain, he lost sight of what is really important in life. I firmly believe that the best gift a father can give his children is to honor and respect their mother. Bill failed.

MAD

Bill and Shari 1992  
Age: Seventeen

 
     “He’s been cheating on her.”  
     “What?” I said.  
     “Cheating on her.”  
     “Who?” I asked.  
     “Bill, Bill has been cheating on Shari…for five years!”  
     “What are you talking about? Who told you that?”  
     “Ann. She and I had a conversation about it last night. I was up the whole night trying to wrap my head around it.”  
     I just stared at her blankly. She was blurting out this information as if she had been keeping it secret for years and I was trying to catch up.  
     “Just stop for a second.” I said holding up my hand and shaking my head. “I need a minute to process this.” What the hell was going on?  
     I then paused, took a deep breath and calmly replied, “Okay…Bill has been having an affair on Shari…for five years.”
     “Yes.” She answered anxiously.  
     “With whom?”  
     “Brenda.”  
     “Brenda? Brenda of Sean and Brenda?”  
     “Yes, why are you repeating everything I say?” She asked.
     “Because I want you to tell me that I am wrong. That I am not hearing you correctly,” I said.  
     “Well believe it because it is true. Ann said that her mom caught him sneaking around and he finally came clean. He and Brenda have been messing around on Shari and Sean forever. They are such assholes.”  
     I could not believe this ugly story my sister had told me. How could this have happened? Why would Bill do this to his family? How could he be so selfish and stupid? I was seventeen years old and felt smarter than this forty something idiot.  
     Bill was the father of one of my closest friends. In our neighborhood we had four families that were tight. We had barbeques in the backyard, played on the same sports teams, went to movies, museums and birthday parties together. We even went on trips as a group. We were like a family and I thought that we would always be together. Until now, that is. This ridiculous news put my extended family in jeopardy.  
     I began to feel this deep pressure on my chest. As though someone were sitting on me and did not care that they were about to crush my sternum. I also felt shaky and dizzy at the same time. I had to focus on my breathing so I wouldn’t spin out of control. And these were just my physical reactions to this information! My emotional reaction made my mind go from complete overload to completely blank. I had so many unanswered questions, so much anger and so much confusion circling my thoughts that my mind just shut itself off. I knew that my eyes were open but I was not focusing on anything.  
     My sister sat with me silently. She was one day ahead of me in the chaos of it all and knew exactly what I was feeling. She loved our extended family as much as I did and was terrified to face the outcome of this affair.  
     We sat without words for an eternity. I finally looked at her and said, “Do you think they are going to get divorced?”  
     “I don’t know.” She answered sadly. “Ann said that it was too soon to tell but she knows that her mother is devastated. Ann also said that Dave is heartbroken. He thought the world of Bill and now his dad has destroyed the trust that held his family together.”
     “I was thinking about Dave too.” I added.  
     Dave was Ann’s brother. He and his dad were big water skiers and extremely close to one another. From the day the ice came off the lake in the spring to the warmest day in October, Dave and Bill were skiing. It was a bond nobody thought could be broken. Until now. I felt so badly for him that my insides hurt.  
     My thoughts moved from Dave to my dad in an instant. I loved my dad and trusted him one hundred and ten percent. What would become of our family, of our relationship, if he ever stepped out on my mom? Well…I’ll tell you what would happen…it would change everything! I shivered at the thought. The idea of my dad hurting my family that way made me feel physically sick. Stop. Just stop. I needed to stop thinking about hypothetical situations that would get my blood boiling and start focusing back on the issue at hand.  
     Poor Ann and Dave. What was going to happen to their family? Their parents had been married for about sixteen years. I didn't know Bill well, but he was always kind to the neighborhood kids and more than generous with his boat. Throughout the years he taught us all how to water ski, first with two skies and later slalom. And even though he was a bit of a daredevil while driving his boat, as I remember flying over some pretty ferocious waves at times, he was a stickler for life jackets. He strapped us in so tightly that we could barely breathe.  
     That being said, I do remember him being a bit of a nuisance around the neighbor ladies. Any time we went to a cabin, hotel or a body of water, Bill would, without a doubt, grab one of the ladies and throw them in the water. This never went over well - Especially when the lady of his choice was fully clothed. Yet, he would laugh and feel good about himself while Shari would yell at him for being a jerk. That was really the only time I noticed tension between the two of them and I have to admit, I always thought Shari was right. Bill was being a jerk.
     Brenda and Sean were not married but had been dating for about ten years. Bill, Brenda and Sean all worked together at the same store and after some casual conversation, found out that they had boating in common so they started weekly meetings at a nearby lake. Dave would meet them all, but Shari would never go. She was not a big skier but had no problem with Bill boating. Many Minnesotan guys hunt or fish for their pastime, Bill just chose boating instead. It now appeared that Shari should have been concerned about these outings because this infamous affair blossomed on that lake.

Introduction

     I had my first panic attack in my mid-twenties. My job was stressful and not at all satisfying, friends were confiding in me and I did not agree with their choices, old boyfriends I had hoped to reconcile with someday were exclusive...and not with me, and my inability to deal with death plagued me. I was desperately searching for some sort control over my life but at this point, I had none.
     The major panic attack that pushed me over the edge still occupies a section of my brain. I was hanging out in my parent's pool with a group of friends and started feeling pins and prickles going up and down my arms. My heart was racing and I was short of breath. My friends suggested a beer might calm me down. It did not. I began to hyperventilate and as a last resort decided to go to bed and ignore the sensations altogether. Unfortunately, these feelings that had taken over my body were all too familiar. As a kid, I struggled with anxiety and often found myself in the nurse’s office at school with stomachaches only to hear the nurse say, “Angela you are fine, go back to class.”
     My night’s sleep was restless and dreadful, so in the early morning hours, I gave up my fight and drove myself to the nearest emergency room. My parents were out of town and my friends in the house were sleeping, so I went alone, convinced that I was having a heart attack.
     The emergency room was vacant allowing me a prompt evaluation. I was questioned first then received a full examination but ultimately my personal trauma brought little concern. My diagnosis was not life threatening but it was disheartening. I had experienced a panic attack and the medical staff could do nothing for me long-term. I was to find a therapist and get to the root of my problem.
     Scared and confused can only begin to describe my disposition. The doctors provided me with ten anti-anxiety pills but again stressed that they were a short-term answer to a long-term problem. Bottom line, I needed to seek out a counselor.
     Desperate for answers, I followed their advise and found therapist who categorized my condition as general anxiety disorder. As a coping mechanism, I allowed any loss of control to overwhelm me causing me physical and emotional stress. The therapist equipped me with multiple tools to overcome my problem and journaling was one of them.
     Once I gained control over my anxieties, I noticed the size of my personal journal. As I flipped through the entries, I thought, if someone read this journal, they would think that my life was awful and that I was in constant disarray. I knew that wasn't true, those anxieties were part of my life, they did not define me. After reflecting on my experiences, I decided that a drastic measure was necessary to free me from that past. I ripped apart my journal, tossed the pages into my charcoal grill and lit a match. The fire was beautiful.
     Years later I began journaling again, but this was a different type of expression. I was journaling about the lovely things that were happening in my children’s lives. Every entry was written with such love that anyone reading those words would have thought my kids were the luckiest kids around.
     Not long after journaling about my children, a divorce struck my life and everything started to fall apart. I thought about journaling again and realized that this time my entries would be filled with a crushing sadness. All of the sad times in my life came crashing down on me and it was as though sadness was a black cloud that followed my every move. I could not squeeze any other emotion into my thoughts or memories.
     Eventually the devastation began to wear off and I started to think clearly again. I realized that this feeling of being locked into one emotion for a lifetime would make for an interesting story. This line of thinking brought me to write the book A Life Out of Context.
     I began brainstorming ideas for the emotions I wanted to capture and the stories I wanted to tell. The stories are from my life and are my best recollection of events from my childhood and adulthood. I have decided to change some of the names of people from my experiences only to protect them from any unwanted attention.
     After all, I am from Minnesota and that is a “Minnesota nice” thing to do.

     Welcome to: A Life Out of Context.