Tortured Kid 2

Then I learned a tough lesson I never thought I would learn. The story starts one cool fall day on the playground at my elementary school.  I was running around like a normal kid, having fun and burning off excess energy.

Our school “playground” was not in fact a playground at all but a parking lot for the Catholic Church next door. Apparently, our small school could not provide swings, a slide and grass so we played football and kickball on the pavement. While I was running around that day, I noticed a scuffle between Matt and a couple of boys. The boys seemed to be taunting Matt throwing small pebbles in his direction and then running the other way as Matt yelled something in return. I decided that it was my duty to step in and use my peacekeeping ways to help the situation. After all, how could anyone watch a bullying incident and not speak up?

I ran over to the boys and insisted that they stop harassing poor Matt. The confused boys just looked at me and then I heard a voice behind me say, “Get the hell out of here!” I turned around and to my surprise, it was Matt. And he was talking to me!

“What?” I said, astonished by what I had just heard.

“Are you deaf? Get the hell out of here.”

“But…I was just trying to help,” I explained.

“Well nobody asked you to help, so leave.” He demanded.

I could not believe it. Maybe he thought I was trying to join the bullies. “Matt, I think those guys are being jerks and I do not agree with them.”

At this, Matt leaned toward me and gave me a shove. It did not hurt physically but my mouth dropped open. The two boys who had been throwing pebbles at Matt gave us a look then looked at each other and took off running. I shook my head in disbelief, picked my mouth up off the ground and slowly walked away.

I was pissed off. What the hell just happened? My peacekeeping attempt had failed dramatically. Was Matt embarrassed that a girl was trying to help him? Did I overstep a boundary? Should I have let the boys figure out their problems without assistance? But Matt needed someone to finally stand up for him, didn’t he? He had been teased long enough and needed to know that there were good people out there who did not agree with bullying.

Well, apparently I made a rather large mistake and unknowingly misjudged the entire Matt Situation. After hearing about my confrontation with Matt, a friend offered the knowledge she knew about Matt. My “tortured project,” Matt, was actually the bully. Matt was the one who teased other kids until they would cry. He would intimidate kids with his size and make threats to get his way. He would not compromise with anyone, thought only about himself, and did not care who knew it. My observations about him had been wrong. He was the jerk. Here I felt sorry for this kid and he deserved everything that was handed to him. He seemed to be asking for it. It was almost as if he liked confrontation and this was his way of being entertained.

That was my moment of truth. I thought I was this peacekeeping do-gooder and now all I could focus on was that somebody needed to put this jerk in his place. Somebody needed to take him down from his ego trip and teach him a lesson.

How did I get here? How did this jerk of a guy change me from a sympathetic girl who embraced mentorship to an apathetic girl who wished for revenge? I hate when life’s lessons change a person from an optimist to a pessimist. Pessimism stinks and at this point in my life, so did my attitude.

Later that day on my bus ride home, I was deep in thought about the day’s events. I stared out the window, wondering why this challenge even presented itself to me. Today I changed from a girl who stood up to bullies to a girl who did not mind if bullies were bullied. I did not like myself for feeling that way. Before that day, bullying was bullying and now…I didn’t know.

Does wishing for a bully to fall flat on his face make me a bad person? I contemplated the question over and over in my head and all it did was spark more anger. Why are some people so mean and why am I falling into the revenge trap? Matt had taught me a crappy lesson about people: Not all people are good, not all people have good intentions, and not all people want peace. My outlook on people took a downward turn and I wished that I had never met a big, stinking bully named Matt.